Mini Review

The Canyons (2013)

Last Watch Date - August 5, 2023
Total Times Watched - 1


Being familiar with Bret Easton Ellis, I thought "this could be a really interesting movie." Then I saw that it was Lindsay Lohan's "return" movie after being in rehab 9,000 times back in the 2000s. Red flag number one. I checked a quick "what did this movie get" online and saw it was a critical failure, even audiences hating on it. Red flag number two. And then I saw it starred a porn actor in one of the lead roles. Red flag number three. But who am I to judge something before seeing any of it? 

Let me start with the story AND let me add that I will be putting some spoilers in here. WHY? Because this movie blows and I need to express why. This movie is, in the super abridged version, a tale of intertwined romances and a trust fund baby who gets his own way, even if it involves murder. Initially, it doesn't seem that sinister. He stalks his girlfriend (Lohan) and has people follow her. He steals her phone and has his "tech guy" (what?) find deleted messages on it. He kills his yoga instructor. Uh, wait, let's back up a bit. This all escalates very quickly and makes no sense. He is initially suspicious of his girlfriend because she seems "off" at a meeting with his assistant and her "new" boyfriend. This is what starts it all. For some reason, despite the fact that he has other men plough his girlfriend for fun anyway, he really hates that she's having an affair with this guy. That guy also happens to know the yoga instructor and gets her involved in the whole love triangle. 

If you're not compelled to watch it now, well, you shouldn't be. It's stupid. But the worst part is that this is a Bret Easton Ellis script. The dialogue is odd in most cases, and flat out awful in others. I've never heard characters say the other person's name so frequently in one conversation before. For someone with a long career that has some really good hits, this is probably the worst thing he's ever done.

I guess we can move on to the acting. It's uneven, trending toward bad. James Deen (porn guy) is ok at times and abysmal at others. He doesn't seem to have a wide range of emotions. Lindsay Lohan seems a bit better and more natural, but also flounders when it comes to emotional scenes. The other actors seemed like they came fresh off the set of a commercial for a local furniture store. We're talking Troll 2 level of acting. You can blame the script for some of that, but even as bad as that was, the acting took it to another level.

I know what you're thinking: the story sucks and the acting is worse, but maybe it has a nice pacing to help it along! You would be wrong, dear reader. The pacing is S L O W and clunky. This 99 minute movie felt like 99 hours. For so little to happen, it really takes its precious time.


This may be one of the worst movies I've ever seen. The only reason you may want to see this is to see the "erotic" part of this "erotic thriller" but I'm here to tell you it's not worth seeing. Sure, there is a lot of Lohan, but you can see that elsewhere. This movie has the production value and acting of a late night Skinemax movie with none of the charm. 

1 Windows Phone out of 10