Satanic Panic (2019)
Last Watch Date - July 13, 2024
Total Times Watched - 1
Comments
How do you get from Margaritaville to this movie? You go through Coconut Pete and Penelope, obviously. Jordan Ladd was in that movie and she's in THIS movie. Mystery solved, so let's get on with it.
What did I know about this movie going in? That Jordan Ladd was in it. And Jerry "Sliders" O'Connell. And his wife Rebecca JohnStamosExWife. I'm not sure any of them are known for being great actors, so I had no real expectations going in. The idea of the movie sounded goofy and potentially fun, so why not.
Starting with the concept, this movie is so tropey that it's kind of ridiculous. But I think it's meant to be played as some sort of parody or rip on the "Satan" genre. Rich people stay rich by worshipping Satan, duh. And they sacrifice virgins so they can birth the .. Baphomet? Ok I guess that part is a little different. They're some sort of witches because they have a coven, but there's a bunch of infighting and bickering and betrayals. In theory, this is a funny concept. In practice, it misses the mark. It's really not funny even when it tries to be, but much of the movie isn't played for laughs. There's a whole backstory piece on the virgin that is definitely NOT humorous.
If they want to go with a serious tone, they really need the horror aspects to work. I don't think there was any attempt at real creepiness or scares. It's impossible to care about almost everyone in this movie, so you don't really care about what's happening. What you DO care about is why this girl who just met this other girl (who has a HORRIBLE attitude by the way) is now risking her life for her and pretending they're besties. It's all so ham-handed.
I've already mentioned some of the cast, but I'll add a few more in for you: Ruby Modine, Arden Myrin, and Jeff Daniel Phillips. You may know JDP from the Rob Zombie movies, he's in basically all of them. Ruby Modine is Matthew Modine's daughter and 10000% a "nepo baby" if we're going to start slinging that term around. She sucks. Arden Myrin is pretty funny, so I have no real complaints about her. The main girl, Hayley Griffith, is actually pretty solid. Rebecca Romijn and JOC are .. bad. JOC is serviceable I suppose, maybe I'm being too harsh. Romijn SUCKS though. So wooden that it makes me wonder why she took the role. I've never seen someone look so bored with a role like this. Jordan Ladd barely speaks in this, by the way, so if you want some more of HER, go watch Club Dread. Or Waiting...
For all of the things I would normally love about this movie (Satan, witches, pizza, Jordan Ladd), it really didn't hit many of the notes that I was looking for. It's like going to see a band live, but they aren't feeling well so they play their album over loudspeakers for their entire set time instead. If you're curious, this did happen to me in real life before, though I wasn't there to see that specific act (IT WAS REGINA SPEKTOR). Is it a good album? Maybe, but I didn't pay money to listen to a flippin' boom box.
Recommended?
No. There's probably a reason no one has heard of this movie. It isn't BAD, but it's such a forgettable 80 minutes that it would've been better off that way.
