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Piranha 3DD (2012)

Last Watch Date – October 30, 2022
Total Times Watched – Once

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A movie in 3D. With big titties in it. Do you get it? ARE YOU GETTING IT?

This movie is obviously a lark, but it doesn’t actually work in any way. If you’re there for the boobs, there are quite a few, but it’s all in passing and none of it is interesting. If you’re there for the horror, it’s not scary or gory. If you’re there for the love of fish, they’re only sort of shown and most often are animated rather poorly. If you’re there for the guest spots, you’re going to see some names mailing it in pretty hard.

The best part of this is, in fact, the guest stars. I think that’s where they spent all of their budget. You have David Hasselhoff, Gary Busey, Paul Scheer, Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd, and I guess you could say David Koechner is a guest star? He’s kind of a main actor, but also not. Christopher Lloyd probably plays it the most straight. Paul Scheer and Ving Rhames are a package deal – one of them has titanium legs with a built-in shotgun. This is important for .. plot details? Why are you bringing a shotgun to a water park by the way? Hasselhoff is as ridiculous as you’d expect. There are a few chuckles around him reliving his Baywatch character. I normally don’t spoil movies but this one gives everything away in the trailer.

The laughs in this are few and far between. It’s only around 70 minutes before the movie actually ends, with the credits and some outtakes taking up the remaining 10 minutes. The outtakes aren’t good, but neither is the movie. I guess it balances out that way. It has some of the worst dialogue and goofiest setups in what I assume is some sort of attempt to get a joke in here or there, but it’s so goddamn stupid. A girl gets a piranha inside of her by swimming naked in a lake. She starts to feel sick and decides to ask a guy who likes her if he’ll “make love” to her (even though she is writhing around on a bed) because she doesn’t want to die a virgin. But then they start banging and the fish starts swimming around inside of her (which you can see). The guy is getting close and then, you guessed it, the fish starts biting his dick. This sounds funnier in theory than it was in execution.

If you’re wondering how this movie is set in a water park and still has piranhas in it, LET ME EXPLAIN. David Koechner, that wacky guy, sets up an illegal well to pump water from an underground lake or river which happens to be how these MUTANT PIRANHAS are spreading around the area. Yeah, it still makes no sense. The water park is just an excuse to have women shaking their titties around. Did I mention the “ADULT” section of the water park? It has stripper-lifeguards. So .. yeah.

I’m not one to complain about something being low brow, but this movie is plain stupid. The only thing it really had going for it was that there was no shame in killing children, which most movies usually do NOT do (at least not on-screen). I watched this because it said it was only on Prime for 30 more hours and somehow I think Amazon is sucking my time away to feed to Jeff Bezos so he can live forever. I feel like I lost more than 70 minutes to that movie. It was like watching 70 minutes of Commanders football highlights – you’re surprised they somehow cobbled together 70 minutes in the first place, but as you watch it, you realize it’s all stuff that better videos would’ve cut.

Recommended?

No. Piranha is goofy fun, and even Piranha 2. But this one knows it’s stupid and leans into it in all the wrong ways.

Rating – 2 Walking Fish out of 10