If you want to see how these ratings were calculated, go back and look at one of the team-specific rating posts! Without further ado, here are the results from WORST to FIRST.
8) Philadelphia Stars – 12
The most miserable looking team in the new USFL, and one I hope never wins a game. Ketchup and mustard belong on hot dogs, not clothes.
7) Pittsburgh Maulers – 18
What could’ve been a nice middling score was completely tanked by their ridiculous contrast shoulders and total lack of gray. A wasted name on a wasted franchise.
6) New Orleans Breakers – 24
My expectations were sky high for this team since I loved the Breakers of old. But a focus on royal blue and a desecration of the helmets has left this team sub-.500, just like I expect them to be on the field.
5) Birmingham Stallions – 25
CRUSHING the Breakers by 1 point, the Stallions are literally in the middle here. They have home-field advantage.. kinda-sorta. But it’s neutralized by the fact that ALL of the teams play in Birmingham this year. So , yeah, neutral. It’s where they belong.
4) Houston Gamblers – 30
Another team with a great name that can’t live up to its former glory. Jim Kelly would shake his 4 AFC Champion rings at them for botching the home uniforms.
3) New Jersey Generals – 34
A bit of a surprise if I’m honest. These plain Jane Generals have somehow found themselves near the top of the heap. Let’s hope Trump doesn’t get his mitts on them and ruin the USFL part 2.
2) Tampa Bay Bandits – 36
I have a dog named Bandit, so I was hoping they’d top the list. They’re in the top 2 and that’s not bad! But somehow Red, Silver, and Black just don’t do it for me like the top team does.
1) Michigan Panthers – 41
A coach who went to the Super Bowl? √
A set of uniforms that only slightly diverged (IN GOOD WAYS) from the old? √
The best color scheme for any team ever? √
I don’t drink champagne, but crack one open for this team topping the list. Let’s go Panthers!