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Children of the Corn I-V (1984-1998)

Last Watch Date – October 17-31, 2021
Total Times Watched – Too many to count, unfortunately

Comments

I watched these individually (obviously) over the course of a couple weeks. But they get so ridiculously bad that I’m lumping them together. Most of them will have the same basic formula and comments, so it’s not worth separating these into separate entries.

Children of the Corn has some interesting pieces to it. The theme of children running a town and executing adults is pretty wild, but He Who Walks Behind The Rows makes it even weirder. You kind of think it’s just kids being kids (in the most sadistic way), but there really IS something in the corn. I still think the two main characters could deal with most of those kids without issue, but whatever. For some reason the little girl can see the future, but they never go into the how/why of it. I guess they needed something to move the plot along. Let’s go with a 6 out of 10.

COTC II is a much sillier tone. “My husband went into the corn 15 years ago and never came back” is a great line, despite how fucking stupid it is. I’m not sure why HHWBTR binds with a kid in this one, but the special effects are some of the worst you’ll ever see. I’m also not sure why it sneaks around the corn like an animal. If this thing is some sort of god, why is it so sketched out? This movie is terrible, but in a good-cheesy way? 5 out of 10.

COTC III is just as silly as II but without any of the good parts from it. It’s off the rails from the very start and doesn’t really apologize for how stupid it is. The acting is surprisingly NOT bad in this. The story, however.. I’m still not sure why these kids are moved from Nebraska to Chicago. Wouldn’t Denver make more sense? Or Kansas City? Or even St Louis? Whatever. Don’t watch this. 2 out of 10.

COTC IV has Naomi Watts, yet is still a disaster. She’s pretty good and I can’t believe someone tricked her into taking this role somehow. It was during this movie where I thought to myself “Is Children of the Corn the worst horror series ever?” I think it might be. Watts made $5000 for this movie and somehow was overpaid for how awful it was. 3 out of 10. (but only because Watts makes it somewhat bearable)

COTC V has probably the best cast out of any of these movies: Eva Mendez, Alexis Arquette, David Carradine, Kane Hodder. WTF? The acting is pretty good despite how bad the script is. The whole movie is poorly done, yet somehow better than you’d expect for a fifth movie in a series. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s definitely better than III or IV. Again, don’t watch this. 3 out of 10.

Recommended?

I’d recommend I and possibly II. None of the others, though. They’re brutally bad. Check out clips of IV or V for some famous actors in their younger roles.

Rating – 4 Cornstalks out of 10