The Jets are a funny team. Funny because they’re the butt of a bunch of jokes, but also funny because they’re in a good location and have a really good fanbase, but they can’t ever seem to put it together. They’ve had a few streaky years where they looked like they were going to get back to GLORY like the Namath years.. year, I guess. Rex Ryan was the closest to getting them there, but that’s been over a decade now. Can Saleh get them over the hump with Ill Zach Wilson? Not this year, that’s for sure.
The Jets are coming off a 2-14 season where they lost their coke-fueled head coach. I’m surprised he lasted as long as he did, really. His hire seemed ill-advised to begin with, but here we are. Darnold is gone and so are the ghosts he’s seeing. I thought The Fog was from 1980 but it’s still playing these days up in New Jersey. Their wins last year were against the Rams and Browns, two playoff teams. How did that happen? Can they work that magic this year? They’re definitely not as bad as a 2-14 team, so let’s see how things will really pan out this year for the Jolly Green Jeets in the Sheets.
Week 1 – @ Carolina Panthers. Mitch Trubisky came to Chicago in the preseason to storm his former team with an aerial assault he’d never unleashed before! But that was probably because Nagy sucks, not because Mitch is bad. I don’t know if Sam Darnold has that same showing against the Jets, but the Panthers are a solid team. 20-13 Panthers
Week 2 – NE Patriots. Expect the Patriots to bounce back this year, which means that the Jets are going to get taken down. The Jets couldn’t beat the Pats last year when they were at their most dysfunctional under BEEEEELL, so I don’t see them beating them this year. 30-17 Patriots
Week 3 – @ Denver Broncos. The ORANGE CRUSH defense is no joke. But their offense is. We’ve got a real SLOBBERKNOCKER in this one! 17-6 Jets
Week 4 – Tennessee Titans. UNLEASH THE CLOG. Sorry Jetskis, but you’re not going to stop it. 33-13 Titans
Week 5 – @ Atlanta Falcons. Is this a bye week? I mean, pretty much.. 31-10 Jets
Week 6 – BYE.
Week 7 – @ NE Patriots. 🧹 SWEEEEP. 37-24 Patriots
Week 8 – @ Cincinnati Bengals. I really don’t know what to expect here. The Bengals should be able to score on the Jets, but I’m not sure if their defense will hold. Are the Bengals this year’s surprise bum team? At least they look good. 28-26 Jets
Week 9 – @ Indianapolis Colts. Indy is no joke, but I think the Colts will bumble this somehow. 17-14 Jets
Week 10 – Buffalo Bills. The reigning AFC East champions. They score like mad against MOST teams, but the Jets held them in check for the most part last year. This will be a close one, but ultimately 🦬 takes it. 34-20 Bills
Week 11 – Miami Dolphins. Late November home game against the Dolphins. I think this could work, but the Dolphins are going to be better this year and they won by a combined 44-3 last year. 37-17 Dolphins
Week 12 – @ Houston Texans. New Jersey has the best strip mall masseuses, so it’s possible they can bring a few down to distract Watson before the game. It’s STRICTLY PROFESSIONAL. 34-10 Jets
Week 13 – Philadelphia Eagles. Hey, the Eagles are definitively the worst green team in the NFL. That’s something! 28-6 Jets
Week 14 – NO Saints. Cold weather game for the Saints in mid-December. I like those odds! 24-21 Jets
Week 15 – @ Miami Dolphins. Why is it so humid here? 🌴🐬 17-14 Dolphins
Week 16 – Jacksonville Jaguars. Wait, maybe this is the worst green team in the NFL. Do they count as green or blue? Either way, ✈️ 23-14 Jets
Week 17 – TB Buccaneers. A January game in NJ is not ideal, but the Bucs have such a huge talent advantage here and are likely jockeying for playoff position. Sorry Jeets. 17-13 Bucaneers
Week 18 – @ Buffalo Bills. Here’s the deal, Buffalo is likely sealing up a great season here and the Jets are trying to build for the future. It’s possible they play against a backup here, but that backup is the Tittiess-kisser MITCH TRUBISKY. The SAME Mitch who lit up the Bears 1s and 2s in preseason this year. It has to end on a down note for the Jeets. 13-10 Bills
TOTALLY ACCURATE PREDICTION: 8-9. Huge improvement over last year, but not enough to get them into the playoffs. Maybe next year, cuties.
OPTIMISTIC OUTLOOK: They split with the Pats and Bills, take down the Panthers, and the Bucs are resting starters. 12-5.
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND..: This team is starting a rookie QB with a rookie Head Coach. There are bound to be growing pains and miscommunications. They could easily drop the Saints, Colts, and Bengals games. It’s possible they also drop the Broncos game! 4-13 — this may be the more likely spot.
Get ready to run some stairs this year.