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HTTR! … BUT NOT IN 2019

My local team, the one I’ve adopted because they hold training camp in my city, the team that still has the only controversial name in the NFL. That’s right, it’s the MarylandWashington Redskins.

How did the division play out last year? Good question.

Dallas Cowboys10-6
Philadelphia Eagles9-7
Washington Redskins7-9
New York Giants5-11

This division is the definition of mediocre. Somehow these teams always seem to flip around who gets to win the division, only to be sadly disappointed in the Wild Card round of the playoffs. They did this back in the 80s and 90s as well, but the teams would actually win Super Bowls in that period. That is NO LONGER the case!

In real life, their helmets aren’t so blocky

This team is not going to the playoffs.

Let me repeat that for those of you who did not hear me (this is written, though, so maybe you don’t read carefully). This team is not going to the playoffs. That means they don’t win the division. They’re just not even going to touch it. Their starting quarterback is a journeyman backup. Sure, Keenum started for the Broncos last year and the Vikings the year before that. And sure, Keenum took the Vikings on a nice playoff run only to forget to show up to Philadelphia in the NFC Championship game. But make no mistake about it: Keenum is a backup.

Actual photo of Case Keenum in the pocket

The Skins are still paying for Alex Smith, a quarterback they would have overpaid for even if he didn’t break his leg like a lame horse. Unlike a lame horse, though, you can’t send Smith to the glue factory and get some of that sweet Snyder money back for his sticky hyde. Because of that, they’re stuck with Keenum. Oh, there’s also a rookie waiting in the wings, but he barely even played at the college level. Judging from his preseason performances, he’s not ready to start. Certainly not if Gruden wants to keep his job.

Actual photo of Redskins QB’s leg mid-hit

Last year, they started out in the division lead with their 5-2 record. Smith looked like a game manager just managing until he was Theismann’d by the Texans in week 11. They were well on their way to a mediocre 9-7! Alas, that was last year. Those halcyon days of even hoping for an 8-8 record, the equivalent of not even suiting up to play any games at all, are over. This team will be lucky to win 5 games this year. There’s a real chance this team starts out 0-8 this year. Miami and San Francisco are the only teams I can see them beating in that stretch. It’s looking grim, folks.

But hey, that’s only half of the season. What about the rest? Their next three games are all winnable. Games @Buffalo, then home against the J-E-T-S and the ever-pathetic Lions. Those are the five games. That’s it. The rest are all L’s. The worst part is that the last three games are divison games, two at home, and none will be close. The last game is @Dallas and, even if Dallas is comfortably in the playoffs and sitting starters, will still be a horrific loss. Keenum is effectively a second-team quarterback. But Dallas’ second-team is better. I just watched them blow up the Houston O-line in a preseason matchup where the QB had approximately 0.005 seconds to throw. Expect Keenum to lose a leg this year.

Best case: 5-11 with some wins over other mediocre clubs. Worst case: 1-15 with a splash of Gruden being fired mid-season.

My 100% accurate, totally unbiased prediction: 3-13

They may not get to the playoffs, and they may lose their coach, but they’re not going to lose Snyder. And really, that’s the only loss any Skins fan could hope for.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can ruin a franchise